seeking a level

there's this tension, a sense that something around here is about to explode. bad things happening lately. people unhappy with each other and themselves. i would like to stay safe in my bed for a few weeks.

i used to be in love with taking online iq and personality tests. i was more alone than i like to remember, more alone than anyone should be. it was only a little bit my fault. a friend observed recently that we form our self-image largely around the messages that we get from people close to us. they tell us 'you are smart' or 'you are warm and loving' and with enough of these messages we come to see ourselves as this collection of adjectives. absent those kinds of messages i suppose the tests told me similar things. they allowed me to see myself as complex and emotional, even in the vacuum.

i'm trying to get at something but i don't know what it is.

i guess the thing is that seeing yourself as complex and emotional is not the same as being complex and emotional. a person is not a collection of adjectives.

but now i have boxed myself into an existential crisis.

if i am not (as i have said) what i do.
and i am not a set of descriptors (my qualities).
then what am i?


maybe that's not really an important question because maybe you can't ever really figure out a proper definition of what you ARE.

maybe you just have to be it.

sometimes it's hard to feel steady.


cu vi parolas esperanton?

hi internet. it's all good in the 'hood but i got a couple favors to ask.

first, send warm thoughts to my friend, her name is annie.

second, more important. if there's someone who things aren't right with...just think about calling. and telling them something, anything, even if it's hard. even if you're scared. even just say hello.

i know it's so cliche but maybe one day something will happen and then you won't be able to tell them anything anymore. how do you want to leave things?

i'm going to take my own advice and begin a letter to my own someone.

i'll send mine if you'll send yours.


the other night i went to godzilla's house.
heather & hans were there too.

so we watched this movie incubus which was awesomely awesome. it's about ... well something about a well and if you drink out of it you become beautiful or something? and it heals you too. so anyway it's in this town and because of the well apparently all these succubi live there. and they lure men down to the ocean and then push them underwater and step on their heads to kill them. it's pretty rad.

but the two coolest things, especially when taken together are:
1. it stars a young william shatner, who is a pure soul and who taints one of the succubi with an 'act of love' and so ultimately she has to fight against this stuffed goat head which is i guess supposed to represent satan so that she can renounce the powers of darkness;
2. it's entirely in esperanto.

and i'd like to point out that wiki describes esperanto as being 'morphologically intensely agglutinative'. which concept i tried to describe to some friends while they played katamari damacy one day.

see, this blog is highly educational.

what shouldn't happen

today i found out that a good friend's mother was killed in a car accident this weekend.

there's no way to make sense of something like that. but i wish i could see her and make her something to eat, and wrap her in a warm blanket. and i wish i could call my mom. i wish everyone in the world would call their moms and say i love you.

instead i have to sit here making sure people can buy their scions and lexuses.

if grief has to exist it should cut like a scalpel, clean sharp and deep. those kinds of wounds can heal.

see my friend didn't get along with her mom. there was some bad stuff there, they were pretty much estranged. my mom and i were like that for a couple of years and we were lucky enough to get through it. my friend won't get that chance.

the thing is...your mom is sort of the one person who isn't supposed to let you down. your mom is supposed to just love you and protect you. and think you're super awesome. and get really mad at anyone who says otherwise.

moms don't always do these things and that is confusing enough.
now we're supposed to be okay walking around knowing that they can just die?

i have contemplated my mom's mortality before and there's nothing okay about it.

i don't know i'm a little disjointed right now.

chimney rock, pt. reyes

the blobs on the beach are all elephant seals, three separate harems.
they had telescopes so we could see them up close.
it was pretty loud.

this is what they look like.
(i did not take this photo)

bogart beauregard bananaslug is about to get some love.

we're on a road to nowhere...

we didn't.



i have a vewy good fwiend in wome

2006.04.20 sfo - phl - fco
2006.04.30 fco - phl - sfo

my parents: fodor's & rolling suitcase types
me/my brother/his wife: lonely planet & backpack types

my parents: paying for the trip
me/my brother/his wife: shutting up, passing go, collecting free trip.

knowing what to expect: priceless.


grab the sun & drink his blood in cups

the best kind of tired. dinner/bookstore last night, point reyes all day today, movie tonight. a parade of friends, lovely. at a dinner this week i met a 22 year old girl. just graduated from college and she's beautiful, beautiful. blonde blue midwestern and sincereley new agey in that way that only beautiful 22 year old girls can get away with. she says "i went to xxxxxxx and there was such a bad vibe there, i was like i have to get out of here...like right now!" well that lost something, not being able to type tone of voice, but imagine someone talking about sweat lodges and healing machines with tubes full of elemental gases, and how you get such amazing energy from it. now crank that image up a few notches. you've got this girl, all heart and art and freedom and a strange knowing naivete.

but she got me thinking about the power of being young and free and when she talked about being in portland with her sister and deciding to panhandle on the street to get tattoos i felt that pull inside me. that "time to go time to move time to be somewhere other than here". i've lived here for nine years this spring. nine! and yeah moved from town to town but still never out of bart range so it's not really the same as moving.

i would not want to go back to 22. i was so unhappy at 22. i have this sense that right now...my life now...this is the good part. maybe it's that i wish i'd gotten here sooner. i also don't want to leave the bay and i hope hope i don't have to. but there's something...a need to balance planning with spontaneous freedom. i don't want to be one of those flaky california people who can't make plans but i do want to be a little like water, the way it follows the geometry of a surface.

so today we followed the surface to pt. reyes and there we found rain and fog and elephant seals fighting and fucking and nursing their young. hiking and strange creatures and mushrooms with jewelly beads of water all over the top. vladimir the strange old czechoslovakian man with starched white shirt and red bowtie telling me to eat some sauerkraut soup, it's good for me. a quite respectable bowl of clam chowder (not at vladimir's). and a place to put thoughts and plans.

it was a great day.
now i have my parents' credit card number and orders to purchase a ticket to rome.

yeah i think this is the good part.


we keep quiet like they taught us

so yesterday in class this girl came in with this wide ribbon around her neck beauty pageant style. this girl...i hated her last semester. smart but so obnoxious contantly talking clicking pens hair in pigtails clattering her stupid strawberry shortcake lunchbox around like look at me, look at me, i'm so quirky. yeah quirky just like every other hot topic baby punk. always making these horrible mean comments about everything, i thought she probably had tourrette's syndrome or something.

but yesterday she had this ribbon and i couldn't read the whole thing but it was something like "i wish the embryo i aborted had..." and i was like oh god another one of those girls who had an abortion then decided that they're evil and i was getting mad 'cause like who the fuck are you, you hypocrite. at the same time taking a step outside myself and wondering why i was quite that pissed off.

i should back up and say that on the way into class i walk from telegraph avenue through sather gate there is a wide stretch of walkway where all the clubs and causes set up tables or just stand there handing out their propaganda, especially in these first weeks of a new semester. yesterday there were white satin ribbons hanging from many of the trees and i saw some signs around the trees about how each ribbon represents x number of abortions and i thought oh god it's pro-life day at cal, wtf. and i chose not to see it anymore.

anyway later in the class this girl turned more to the side and so i could read it said "i wish the embryo i aborted had gone towards stem cell research!" white satin ribbon. red marker.


i forgot to remember to wait judgment for all the facts. but still there was something strange. i was maybe not angry with her anymore but every time i looked at her for the rest of the class it literally made me shiver. and i think maybe i was a little bit jealously admiring the sheer fuck-you nerve it took to wear something like that around your neck all day, everybody looking at you, everybody knowing about it. and i wondered if she was scared.

and it's weird to know that you have this thing in common with someone you can't stand.
and it's weird to want to go sit next to her and say "me too".


pink dots

being tired and still fighting off a random crankiness and having homework to finish for a class i might not even take, i will (as a favor to you & me & the internet) skip the blogging tonight and instead offer this:

cool illusion

take a minute to look at it.
it won't disappoint, guaranteed, or your money back.



note to self

kindness is exploitable.


logical clocks

yesterday we had a party and the guest of honor was ten days old and weighed seven pounds. welcome to the world, skye. (oh god my friends are secret hippies. when did this happen?)

she was passed around and it struck me just how many of my friends really WANT babies. i watched them looking hungrily at her, half expecting someone to tuck her in a pocket and run. eventually she found her way into my arms, just a warm light clean innocent little thing. it was nice holding her, comfortable and i felt an automatic affection.

but i don't really know that i want one of my own. i used to want it so bad but somehow sometime my biological clock got put on permanent snooze. it's not what you sometimes hear where people are afraid of fucking their kids up. a lot of people have told me i should have kids, i would be a great mom. like, a lot. and it's not that i have qualms about bringing a child into this bleak bleak world either, i still think the beauty outweighs the other.

the obvious thing is to say that right now i don't want to take care of anyone in almost any capacity. i am necessarily a little selfcentered. but the baby thing didn't start now, it's been brewing for awhile. i had decided that i just didn't have strong feelings about it, and would leave the decision to be influenced by whomever i end up in that sort of relationship with.

some people tell me this will all change when i meet the "right person" but i don't like to think my basic wants are quite that mutable and right now if i had to choose between partner/baby and academic/career success i'm pretty sure i would choose the latter. it would certainly give me a better shot at an extraordinary life. and before anyone gets offended let me say that for some people the highest calling imaginable is to create a family. it is a positive contribution to the world. i just think it might not be for me.

getting a dog, however. that's a different story altogether.
my dogological clock is ticking loud.

standing on the shoulders of giants

i have been reading and rereading and thinking about richard hamming's talk "you and your research". it's basically about how to do significant things in your work. he focuses specifically on academic research but i think many of his observations can be applied to any passionate pursuit.

the talk was 50 minutes in length and there are more useful insights than would make sense for me to repeat here, but the bits that really resonate for me can be generalized to three questions:

1. what are the most important questions in your field?
2. are you working on any of them?
3. why not?

it's the perfect thing to read as i'm just on the edge of entering a ph.d program (if i get into a good school, if i get funding, etc.). i think well, yes, i want to be excellent. of course i want to do significant work of lasting importance. but that's such a daunting thing to think of, like standing two inches away from the hugest building you can imagine and thinking about how to get around it. you can't see the top of it, or the sides, you have no idea the scope of the problem, much less the plausibility of any given solution.

this article gives a starting point:
figure out the important questions.

i think that should keep me busy for the next year or so...



dear ben chasny,

you are beautiful, you look sad and fucked up and it makes me want to tell you things. i think you will understand.

i don't miss him that much anymore.

but after it ended i wanted to die so i just stopped looking before i crossed the street. i woke up in the morning and lay there pressing down into the mattress thinking "i hope i die today" and it was a soothing thing to think of. i always said there are two kinds, the leavers and the left, and i'm a leaver. thirty times around the sun and it was my first broken heart. they haven't invented an alphabet to describe how i felt.

i thought i was a movie screen and he was the projector.
(in retrospect i think it was the other way around.)

ben, do you think i can only love what is broken?
what is reflective?
sometimes i worry about that.

have you ever been so beat down that your best friends touch you and you slap their hands away? people say kind gentle things and you hate them, you hate them, you want to smash them into the ground into blood into dirt and grind them into nothing. and grind yourself into nothing. because you're only getting through today by making yourself less than human and any gentleness reminds you that you can't breathe.

ben, do you know what it's like to undertake the sick work of digging out deep pieces of yourself?

these things heal from the bottom up and it takes so long.
tell me what happens after.


the unflattering truth

the selfish part of me is glad that will decided to wait another year before applying to the ph.d program. because although i know i'm good...secretly i know he's better. he's brilliant, excellent. the guy never went to high school, he was too smart. instead they sent him to junior college. he started berkeley undergrad at age 14. he finished an eecs master's, also at berkeley, at age 20 i believe.

as a collaborator in class, as a friendly competitor, my carrot and stick, he is motivational. but as actual competition for what will be fewer than ten spots chosen from a large field of applicants from all over the world? he's my friend and i wish him well, but to be very honest i'm glad i don't have that additional thing to worry about.

i may get in and i may not get in, but at least i won't feel like he stole my spot.


note to self

chance favors the prepared mind.


death and syntax

i missed it all, i missed the creaky little wooden desks and the echoey hallways and the bad coffee and all the kids running around being stupid college kids. i missed clicking my mechanical pencil and opening my notebook to the next page and writing the date at the top. i missed being in it but not of it.

and waiting for will outside of class and he comes out and says some crazy thing. today it was "let's go to 125, it's meeting downstairs right now! come on!"

so i followed him. what else was i to do?

after years of working fulltime, sitting at a computer all day, the freedom of wandering around campus midmorning with the sun bright and the air rain clean is luxurious. and these professors are so smart and so interesting you can't even believe it. so when there's a class starting right here right now and you can jump in, you just do. even if it means you're an hour later to work.

should i take both classes?
can i handle a syntax double header?

yesterday i returned (after several weeks' absence) to the research institute where i work as a volunteer on a project in frame semantics. i explained to a meetingful of linguists the pub/sub messaging model. then we had ice cream. it's the way this kind of silly trivial daily detail intersects with the rarefied world of great thinkers that is still so amazing to me about hanging around berkeley.


if the brain-mouth filter didn't exist

"hi, this is amy. i couldn't take your call, but don't bother to leave me a message because cingular sucks ass and i probably won't even hear it for like two days, if ever."



kinda boring post about my day

some other days you have to go outside because it's beautiful.
you have to listen to the undertones and shake your ass.
and call your friends and say i'm done being a hermit!
it's all about the balance, you know?

this weekend i worked on my new! improved! blog! a bunch. it should be ready within a couple weeks or so, i'm going to be moving to a new domain and including a musicblog with links to downloadable songs in addition to these ramblings. the legality of the musicblog is questionable but it's not like i'm gonna be putting metallica in there or anything so hopefully it won't be an issue.

my 'i'm such a dork' moment came today in best buy and then comp usa when i was feeling pissy about how much they're overcharging for external hard drives. and i was like omg this is ridiculous i can't believe they're charging like a buck fifty per gig, i should just buy a damn case and order a drive online and save myself a bunch of cash.

and then i was like wait...a buck fifty per GIG. and i remembered the MASSIVELY INTIMIDATING TWENTY MEGABYTE HARD DRIVE on my first computer (packard bell 286 notebook with 1mb memory, 3.5" floppy drive, and external 2400 baud modem, sweet!) and the fact that our good old family IIgs didn't even HAVE a hard drive and i had to laugh.

then i saw a nice la cie drive for like 75cents per gig and that seemed okay and plus it's really pretty and metal and minimalistic looking. i might be geeky but i'm still a girl.

also today i made a vegetarian moussaka which is pretty much like a regular moussaka except you put in minced portobello mushrooms instead of ground lamb. i downloaded the recipe from a vegetarian recipe newsgroup and it's so snarky, it says after the mushrooms line "(if you insist on meat, substitute ground lamb or beef)".

let's see what else...oh yeah so the undertones' first big hit is this song called 'teenage kicks' and it's about this guy who lusts after this girl walking around his neighborhood and he wants to have her over & "get teenage kicks right through the night". i think i'm going to send it to tony pierce 'cause every time i hear it it reminds me of him. the internet's unabashed humbert humbert. hopefully he won't be mad, i'll let you know.

until i found myself i was aimless

damn i always forget how huge chez h&h is if i haven't been there in awhile. more so because getting there tonight was like fucking torture.

i should take a couple of steps back. mid last week i cancelled my weekend ski trip with them in favor of some quantity solo time, to be spent both plumbing the depths of my quote-soul-unquote and finding some sort of mythical zen mindspace where one can just EXIST and not always think so much and blahblahblah.

then my cell phone basically died and i don't have a home phone and so i took that as a sign.

so they have a cat who would be spending the threeday weekend alone.
his name is godzilla and i love him and i'm not even a cat person.

also they have free laundry in their huge beautiful house.

and i'm really old enough now that i should be too proud to beg free laundry off my friends and family but somehow...i ain't too proud to beg y'all. i showed up at minnesota xmas with a bag full of dirty clothes, and i showed up tonight with laundry and california rolls from safeway (ugh mistake) and la dolce vita from the 'cine.

but one other thing about me is that oh my god i am bad with finding places and i also have that thing that is typically the guy thing of not wanting to ask for directions. i always find things eventually but tonight i was driving around in the goddamn hills of el cerrito (i really blame them for moving to el cerrito in the first place) for like FORTY FIVE MINUTES and finally zamfir master of the pan flute is like dude this is ridiculous and i'm like double true. and he's like i'm tired let's go home and i'm like okay in a few minutes. and he's like no NOW and i'm like shut up, you are a car and i am the boss of you.

but then like 15 minutes later i was like okay you're right you're right now how the fuck do i get down from here and i made this weird turn and then of course i was like oh, this looks familiar. and i couldn't remember their street name but i thought it was like murphy, or like birch or beech or something like that and then i saw the real street name and i was like oh yeah! right that's their street so i turned and then i was there.

some people say you should not be so much in your head and you should just go out and do the things that make you happy and i think most of the time that's right so i do a lot of things a lot of the time. and come on, my life pretty much rocks in most ways, i know that. but sometimes if you're just bummed even if it doesn't seem like it's for good reasons you just have to go with that. i mean i think if you're sad it's just better overall to slow down for two seconds and feel sad than to try to run around frantically distracting yourself from sad all the time. sometimes you gotta just pour yourself a glass of whiskey with ice and lie on the couch listening to will oldham or the dirty three.

but i don't recommend watching la dolce vita, or probably any fellini film for that matter, if you're already sort of disconnected and questioning the nature of relationships with other humans.

or, if you must watch the fellini, at least make sure you have a lapful of warm cat the whole time.



engaged in a reset of self.
will be with you presently.


aural hygiene

speaking of music, if you're just hanging around saturday afternoon wondering what to do, you should check out my pal mason (playing as numinous) on kfjc. he was a founding member of subarachnoid space, he's played with all kinds of folks including members of the boredoms, ghost, acid mothers temple, etc. he's a great musician; experimental psych-noise isn't completely my thing but i was once entranced for 1/2 hour straight by him playing his guitar with a screwdriver. furthermore, he's an awesome person. he came with me to buy my guitar a couple years ago because i wanted to hear what it would sound like when played by someone who could, well, play guitar. he has a recording studio in his basement and has offered to record some songs i wrote even though i'm, well, terrible.

you can hear him on kfjc's internet feed at 4pm (pacific) on saturday.


"i have dental excitement and nobody wants to hear about it" i said.
"tell me" said my friend from school, will (who is not willtheboy).

which i thought was so nice and so i told him about how i hadn't been to the dentist in a really long time, and how i'm not always good about flossing and always get scolded for that. and i told him about how i thought they were going to make me take out my labret because it's bad for your gums. and about how almost every dentist tries to make me get my wisdom teeth out even though they're fine and healthy and i like being wise, thank you. and so when i went to the dentist this morning it was awesome because they complimented me on how clean i keep my teeth (i have flossed piously all these last seven days since i made the appointment) and they said everything looks good in there and the best thing was that they were into my piercing and not only did they not tell me to take it out permanently, but when i offered to remove it for xrays the dentist said actually can you leave it in? i want to save the pictures, if it's okay with you, and use them when i teach dental school to show what the jewelry looks like.

and then, when i was done telling everything, will said:

"i thought when you said you had a dental story you were talking about phonology."


a new project

a little email exchange with will of betheboy (whose blog is great, whose record collection i am plotting to steal, and who is not the same will that i talk about here from time to time) reminded me of some things about music. how vitally important it is to me, and how great it feels to play a song for someone and they're like yeah...yeah that's GOOD. how music can change your life, and forge connections.

music was also a big part of my last relationship and so i have shoved it into the background for the last six months or so. but it's really time for that to end. so i'm gearing up for an epic trip to the record store (i have created a new list) and thinking about playing my guitar again. i saw this guy on bart playing this travel sized electric with this box plugged in where normally you'd put the patch cable, and he had ipod earphones plugged into that box and he was just playing scales and i watched his fingers move around but i couldn't hear anything. he was a very interesting person and i wanted to follow him and record his actions like damiel and cassiel, just observing and recording humanity but never part of it.

but anyway, i have this idea about a way to use my blog to share music with you. i'm still working out the implementation details but i've got some clever ideas. i'm so excited!


the subjective nature of time

so you run in circles keeping yourself consumed with one thing or another but at some point you can't sustain that anymore. so finally you find yourself standing in the too bright fluorescent light safeway aisle trying hard not to cry because there are too many kinds of frozen pizza to choose from and you thought pizza sounded good but now nothing sounds good.

and it's then you realize...
getting over him isn't the same as getting over it.

you don't want him anymore but you're still a bit broken.
and you hate that there are still days that leave you this way.



i am highly jittery today. an unusual state for me.

who do i want to be who do i want to be

the pending-ness of school
the insignificance of work
not knowing if good was good enough

and the undercurrent: i don't think i can do all that again
the process is too corrosive
i can't do it again, it has to be this time

and the always interestitial wondering:
who will i be next?

(this seems to validate my therapist's observation that i confuse what i DO with who i AM. i am aware that they are not the same thing, but how does one find the boundary in a life largely defined by progress towards a goal?)



it is good that i decided to clean my house this morning because in a shiny blue folder buried under two months worth of mail bills class notes and printouts of inchoate homework and papers i found them: all four of my letters of recommendation for one of the schools i'm applying to.

i was so sure that i'd done everything perfectly, completely, that i spent a bit of time staring at them in confused denial. i tried to create some story line in which i actually did send the letters to this school and somehow there were second copies of all of them and somehow they appeared in this pile of crap i'm excavating from my dining table. these must be extras. they must be from some other person, never really intended to be sent.

finally i had to admit that i just fucked up.
no real harm done, i've still got time to get them in.


k says it's good to see me relaxed and i guess i am relaxed. more relaxed anyway, more than last weekend sitting behind the wheel of my car in a field staring at a rushing river with rain torrenting down on us and me laughing and laughing hysterically, manically. today i could sit still in the taqueria for an hour and converse like a normal human being. vegetarian burrito, pintos, cilantro. where else can you get all the food you need for a whole day and it costs 3.99 and tastes awesome?


leonard cohen made one of his characters say that "every joke is the death of an emotion." i'm not sure i buy it, but it is something i can imagine myself saying on certain days when i am taking the world very seriously.



flirting is one of those things like obscenity, good art, or indie rock; it's hard to pin down an exact definition with all the parameters, but you know it when you see it. will says it's the suspension of certain social conventions, like personal space or the rule of keeping conversation light. i think of it more as an exchange of a certain kind of energy, it can happen with words touches smiles eyes or even strategic avoidance.

so 'hot' (so dubbed by karen) and i have had a little of that going on and it causes small illicit thrills, and maybe i enjoy it a little more because it feels a little dangerous. or maybe i play up the danger to make myself enjoy it more. it's circular but these things often are, aren't they? they feed themselves. all i know is that what's off limits is typically more compelling. cheating sex can be the best kind. yeah it's fucked up but are you gonna tell me i'm wrong?

there are some people who, for whatever reason, just pull at you a little (or a lot). even if you know it's a bad idea. but ultimately flirting is meaningless and i think if i can remember that i'll be fine.



i finished all of my applications.
right this moment i hate everything.

of course i don't really hate everything. but i do feel a little crazy. like if anyone talks to me i might just spit in their eye. but wait a minute why isn't anybody talking to me DON'T THEY LOVE ME??

sometimes my leo nature really shows, doesn't it? prideful demanding of attention but only the right kind of attention, neutral and nonirritating and absolutely not requesting or expecting of anything from me right now. kerouac said "i had nothing to offer anyone but my own confusion". right now i have nothing to offer anyone but my own emptiness. come on, fill me up.

i suspect the chronic sleep deprivation plays a key role in all this.


and now there is only to wait.


where is the goat?

hello, my poor neglected internet.
mama's home now.

ew...that was creepy. scratch that.

1. fast breaking news flash:
OMG i finished re-revising my paper at 3am last night. it's as done as it's gonna get, i'm DONE. berkeley apps are due tomorrow and i'm ready for it. well okay i have to revise my personal statement (as opposed to my statement of purpose) but THEN i will be done.

no, for reals.

2. question:
wait, have i reached that point with school where i'm never really going to be done?

3. slow breaking news flash:
it's 2006, crazy. i had some thoughts on last year and some resolutions for this year that i wrote while i was up in tahoe fearing the outdoors. also some stuff i wrote while i was in mn for xmas too about how charming and irritating my family is. maybe i'll slap it up here later.

4. mundane daily trivia:
they upped the bart fare and nobody told me. so there i was with $3.00 on my card thinking i'm all in like flynn 'cause my fare is 2.90 but no, now it's 3.10, and the thing beeps at me and the little doors won't open and of course it's commute time so there's a bunch of people behind me and i have to back up and everyone's all grumpy and i'm like "sorry, sorry" but i probably said it too quietly for them to hear me 'cause i was rocking the fugazi on the ipod and you know i don't wanna be one of those yelling-cause-i'm-wearing-headphones types so...whatever. i'm just sayin.

like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of my life.