second year slump

fighting an academic crisis of faith.
(i don't want to go back i don't want to go back)

i don't want to be buried in work and stressed out all the time, and never have any fun because i can never just turn my brain away from endless impossible lists of things that have to be done tomorrow or yesterday. i think other people feel it too; my cohort has been squabbling over the email list all day today.

i hope the fall meeting tomorrow will inspire me in some unforeseen way.

tonight i'm seeing an ex-ex-friend and i'm feeling a little avoidant about that, too. c asked if i miss having him as a friend and i am not sure what i said, and i am not sure what the true answer is. he is not like anyone i know. he is completely weird, and i like weird. our friendship was dramatic and a little codependent and it suited me at the time, but neither of us is in that place anymore. i guess i will see what it's like, now.

mostly this week all of my nerves are raw and at the surface, just look at me wrong and brimstone will rain down upon you. seems like a good weekend to hole up in a little cottage on the north coast.