until i found myself i was aimless

damn i always forget how huge chez h&h is if i haven't been there in awhile. more so because getting there tonight was like fucking torture.

i should take a couple of steps back. mid last week i cancelled my weekend ski trip with them in favor of some quantity solo time, to be spent both plumbing the depths of my quote-soul-unquote and finding some sort of mythical zen mindspace where one can just EXIST and not always think so much and blahblahblah.

then my cell phone basically died and i don't have a home phone and so i took that as a sign.

so they have a cat who would be spending the threeday weekend alone.
his name is godzilla and i love him and i'm not even a cat person.

also they have free laundry in their huge beautiful house.

and i'm really old enough now that i should be too proud to beg free laundry off my friends and family but somehow...i ain't too proud to beg y'all. i showed up at minnesota xmas with a bag full of dirty clothes, and i showed up tonight with laundry and california rolls from safeway (ugh mistake) and la dolce vita from the 'cine.

but one other thing about me is that oh my god i am bad with finding places and i also have that thing that is typically the guy thing of not wanting to ask for directions. i always find things eventually but tonight i was driving around in the goddamn hills of el cerrito (i really blame them for moving to el cerrito in the first place) for like FORTY FIVE MINUTES and finally zamfir master of the pan flute is like dude this is ridiculous and i'm like double true. and he's like i'm tired let's go home and i'm like okay in a few minutes. and he's like no NOW and i'm like shut up, you are a car and i am the boss of you.

but then like 15 minutes later i was like okay you're right you're right now how the fuck do i get down from here and i made this weird turn and then of course i was like oh, this looks familiar. and i couldn't remember their street name but i thought it was like murphy, or like birch or beech or something like that and then i saw the real street name and i was like oh yeah! right that's their street so i turned and then i was there.

some people say you should not be so much in your head and you should just go out and do the things that make you happy and i think most of the time that's right so i do a lot of things a lot of the time. and come on, my life pretty much rocks in most ways, i know that. but sometimes if you're just bummed even if it doesn't seem like it's for good reasons you just have to go with that. i mean i think if you're sad it's just better overall to slow down for two seconds and feel sad than to try to run around frantically distracting yourself from sad all the time. sometimes you gotta just pour yourself a glass of whiskey with ice and lie on the couch listening to will oldham or the dirty three.

but i don't recommend watching la dolce vita, or probably any fellini film for that matter, if you're already sort of disconnected and questioning the nature of relationships with other humans.

or, if you must watch the fellini, at least make sure you have a lapful of warm cat the whole time.