for a long time the only feelings i could feel were sad ones, hopeless ones. and so i turned down all my feelings and i went on vacation from myself. i told cj that last week, in one of those moments where you realize truth as it's coming out of your mouth. how lately all these feelings are rushing back into me, dialed up to full. and i'm not used to it so the normal highs and lows of a crush feel extreme to me. if you have something pinching you for a long time, it gets numb, it doesn't really hurt at all. it's when it releases and the blood flows back in, that's when it gets painful.

friday i read some things i wrote two years ago when i was falling for j. i was so expressive then, i can't quite remember ever being that expressive.

in the end i am an emotional person (and was in the beginning too), so this really is nothing new. it's more like coming home from a long vacation: so familiar, easy to occupy the space, but some of the corners are surprisingly cobwebby and maybe the furniture isn't quite as comfortable as you remembered it being, when you were out there. it's good to be back, i like it here. but i miss it there, and liked visiting. i am marked by the experience, as one always is by extended travel. i am changed. there's a confidence to be gained from navigating unfamiliar territory, and successfully. it stays with you and it serves you and things that seemed scary before...now you know a hundred ways around them.

it is truth that one never steps into the same river twice.


more notes from the im log

i asked my friend will how guys act when they like a girl.

will: they look at them out of the corner of their eyes with pursed (not puckered) lips and wistful expressions.
will: with some guys, that's the _only_ tell.
amy: hmmm
amy: i have never known a guy who did that
amy: i think you're making it up
will: maybe you can't tell, period.
will: how would one know if a girl likes him?
will: maybe she's flustered because she thinks he's creepy.
will: i'm pretty useless, huh?
amy: yes
amy: sigh.
will: o no.
will: what.
amy: i need a crystal ball
amy: i hate when things are unknowable
will: so does bush.
amy: yeah but THIS IS IMPORTANT


amy: well when you get back we can hang out & i can tell you everything he ever said to me & how he said it & what his tone of voice and body language was like and what his facial expressions were like and then you can tell me what it all means
amy: it'll be the funnest
will: you mean i'll have the privilege of misleading you in all kinds of ways by providing specious advice?
will: sure thing.
amy: yeah
amy: but it's okay, i won't listen to a word you say anyway


will: do you know how to simper at guys, amy?
amy: no
will: hm.
will: well me neither.
will: but it might be useful for you.
amy: i have highly negative associations with that word
will: well don't knock it until you've tried it.
amy: you give the worst advice
will: lol
amy: but you're still awesome


will: i think you make doey eyes better than you think.
will: you should try that too.
amy: i can't do it purposefully
amy: if it happens it's cause i'm feeling it
will: that's good enof.
amy: why, did you see the doey eyes before?
will: no but you're earnest like that.
amy: maybe i can just drag him into the server closet
amy: that has a certain i-know-not-what
amy: comme elle dites en francais
will: you mean it has a certain quality of criminal assault?
amy: only if he doesn't like it!
will: right.


tag der freiheit

he got my riefenstahl reference!

which was even more compelling than the nice way he held my hand in his two hands to make me feel better about something that wasn't going right.

i keep swearing off coworker crushes; you'd think i'd have learned by now not to swear off anything. it merely tempts fate.

i don't know if this is really a crush, but he has at least momentarily caught my mind.


even if you don't know

today someone i have just begun to get to know gave me one of those special halfgrinning appreciative looks and said "you're so cool" just out of the blue and the thing about that is...you can tell when someone means it.

it's nice to remember what *zing* feels like.
it makes me want to hear music.



k reminded me that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over but expecting a different result. i had a conversation tonight with someone who's living in that zipcode and i said i am not mad but right now i don't know how to not be frustrated with you. i said you have this goal, you have this place you want to be...and you're walking in the opposite direction.

the thing is, i used to live there too and i remember it so clearly, and the best thing anyone ever did for me was to yell at me "this is ridiculous! this has never made you happy!" and so there you are feeling shitty and empty and worthless and this person (who you know loves you) is yelling at you on the phone and you're like god that's so mean. why does everyone hate me. and if you're like certain erstwhile friends of mine you retroactively rewrite the scenario so that your friend never really cared about you but if you are more self-honest than that you're left with a dilemma: this person loves me. this person is saying things that hurt me and that i don't want to hear. maybe they're right and that means that what i'm doing is fucked up.

maybe my friend heard me and maybe not, or maybe it will take awhile, but the line had to be drawn.

earlier in the afternoon i had been surprised by this strange mood, i didn't know what it was at first. it was a little like being sad but i didn't know why i would be sad. then i thought bored or jetlagged, some sort of ennui. then i recognized it like an old friend who's changed a lot, or maybe i've changed enough that things look different to me.

i felt peaceful.