residue

it is good that i decided to clean my house this morning because in a shiny blue folder buried under two months worth of mail bills class notes and printouts of inchoate homework and papers i found them: all four of my letters of recommendation for one of the schools i'm applying to.

i was so sure that i'd done everything perfectly, completely, that i spent a bit of time staring at them in confused denial. i tried to create some story line in which i actually did send the letters to this school and somehow there were second copies of all of them and somehow they appeared in this pile of crap i'm excavating from my dining table. these must be extras. they must be from some other person, never really intended to be sent.

finally i had to admit that i just fucked up.
no real harm done, i've still got time to get them in.

***

k says it's good to see me relaxed and i guess i am relaxed. more relaxed anyway, more than last weekend sitting behind the wheel of my car in a field staring at a rushing river with rain torrenting down on us and me laughing and laughing hysterically, manically. today i could sit still in the taqueria for an hour and converse like a normal human being. vegetarian burrito, pintos, cilantro. where else can you get all the food you need for a whole day and it costs 3.99 and tastes awesome?

***

leonard cohen made one of his characters say that "every joke is the death of an emotion." i'm not sure i buy it, but it is something i can imagine myself saying on certain days when i am taking the world very seriously.