logical clocks

yesterday we had a party and the guest of honor was ten days old and weighed seven pounds. welcome to the world, skye. (oh god my friends are secret hippies. when did this happen?)

she was passed around and it struck me just how many of my friends really WANT babies. i watched them looking hungrily at her, half expecting someone to tuck her in a pocket and run. eventually she found her way into my arms, just a warm light clean innocent little thing. it was nice holding her, comfortable and i felt an automatic affection.

but i don't really know that i want one of my own. i used to want it so bad but somehow sometime my biological clock got put on permanent snooze. it's not what you sometimes hear where people are afraid of fucking their kids up. a lot of people have told me i should have kids, i would be a great mom. like, a lot. and it's not that i have qualms about bringing a child into this bleak bleak world either, i still think the beauty outweighs the other.

the obvious thing is to say that right now i don't want to take care of anyone in almost any capacity. i am necessarily a little selfcentered. but the baby thing didn't start now, it's been brewing for awhile. i had decided that i just didn't have strong feelings about it, and would leave the decision to be influenced by whomever i end up in that sort of relationship with.

some people tell me this will all change when i meet the "right person" but i don't like to think my basic wants are quite that mutable and right now if i had to choose between partner/baby and academic/career success i'm pretty sure i would choose the latter. it would certainly give me a better shot at an extraordinary life. and before anyone gets offended let me say that for some people the highest calling imaginable is to create a family. it is a positive contribution to the world. i just think it might not be for me.

getting a dog, however. that's a different story altogether.
my dogological clock is ticking loud.