pearl harbor day

december 7, 1999: a date which will live in infamy.

the fiftieth anniversary of pearl harbor day was the first day i cheated on the last person i cheated on. he was in singapore on business. i was studying for finals with ml. two bottles of wine drunk in his big empty house. etc. etc. she tried to kiss me and at first i pushed her off, but then later i didn't.

i knew she wasn't gonna be the one, but i also knew i wanted her. it was one of those crazy attractions, chemical, cellular. we used to sneak into rooms on campus and lock the doors. sometimes people would be waiting annoyed when we came out with messy hair and with that chewed up feeling on the insides of our lips.

there was nothing about 12/7/99 that was okay, but when i think of that night i can't feel regretful because it tipped the first domino. if not for that night, i might not have left a relationship so still & drowning. if i didn't leave i wouldn't have had my own life, i wouldn't have been with her. if i weren't with her i wouldn't have learned how to be decent to someone in a relationship even when things started to fall apart; how to hold my borders and how to exit with grace. if i weren't with her i wouldn't have fallen in love with the city and i wouldn't know most of my best friends now and i wouldn't be me.

i guess what i'm saying is i wish i'd had the wherewithal to do all that in a way that didn't betray someone that i cared about. i'd take the betrayal back if i could, but i wouldn't take back what happened after.