..and around and..

it's like pulling threads through & one at a time tying knots.
one day we'll turn the whole thing around and it'll be a picture or a pattern at least, something sensible.

one more thing about david, at the risk of mythologizing even further:
i was afraid of him.

that's not me, i don't get afraid of people. (shy yes afraid no)
i don't hold my tongue.
with him i couldn't release it.

oh this is tiresome.
i mean who cares.
(i care)

i just realized all this while lying in bed ten minutes ago and had to come write it down.

(to self: go now, back to bed and try to learn what sleep's good for.)