how we got here

the magical mystical sitemeter says that people end up here by searching for linguistics or boobs. i'm guessing that neither group is finding exactly what they're looking for. it also told me that today tony pierce linked me which is pretty awesome because something he wrote is basically the reason this blog exists.

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the night before i moved out i heard this awful noise in the kitchen and when i got there he was slumped over the counter just crying hard. devastated. devastating. and in that moment everything changed. you don't just completely fuck over someone who loves you and stick around to see the fallout without it changing everything. somehow i was there again, a stupid kid trying to play grownup in his house in the hills where everything turned out to be a little too real. and i was leaving the next day, all of my stuff that he helped me drive out here from the midwest all around his house in bags and boxes and what could i say? "come on, let's go to bed."

he was the kind of good that's good even when nobody is watching.

i don't regret leaving; i never should have been there in the first place and if i stayed i would never have stopped yelling and demanding and slamming doors so hard they broke, because there was no space to breathe there. but i've been thinking about him a lot and thinking of writing a letter. i'm scared to do more harm than good but i want to say that i'm sorry. i wish he could hear me now, i'm sorry and i know everything, i understand it now, what i did, i haven't forgotten it. and karma had its way with me but i'm getting out and i hope you did too. i hope someone loves you now, and i hope this time they stay.

and i know it probably doesn't help much, but after you i never treated anyone like that anymore, like they weren't real. so you didn't get the fairytale prize but maybe it helps a little bit that it made me change because i couldn't risk ever doing that to anyone again.

i'm sorry that was all i could offer.
you deserved more.