rest and pain and hope

today was beautiful and horrible.

started badly of course, hangover probably more from crying than drinking. couldn't sleep couldn't get up just hating the world. somehow made it through the morning with friend phonecalls and television, opium for the mind (the latter, not the former). heather picked me up and took me away from here in the afternoon/evening for kabuki and foodie love. h is the greatest food friend and we ate roasted figs stuffed with chevre, ahi tartare with wasabi creme fraiche, and such things. drinks were on the hostess for messing up our seating so i got the lillet i didn't intend to order, after all. after kabuki i always feel clean and soft, like the softest thing you can imagine times ten. it's all the hot water salt scrubs fancy moisturizers and naked women walking around. good for the soul.

on our way into the city david called and i sent it to voicemail. it wasn't the time. later on at home i called him back and he apologized for the misnaming. tried to do the smalltalk thing and because i am so subtle i countered with "so who's the girl."

so yeah. turns out he is going out with her. which ripped me apart turned me inside out and reattached me with a staplegun. with big dull rusty staples. god, i wasn't ready.

"are you sad about that?" he said. "i didn't think that would make you sad, i didn't think about it." fucking idiot. i cried on the phone for a couple of hours because i am stupid.

and he's going out with someone else. he met her at some skating thing and all i remember from last night is that she isn't really that pretty which i shouldn't care about but of course you always do. just kind of nondescript with dyed black hair and punk rock clothing and he's not in love with her it's just a new thing with a random person and i'm sure she's just fine and it's not even about her. she's totally irrelevant. i called him a liar for all those things he said to me before, about why he couldn't be with me and needing to be alone. "sometimes things just happen" he said and i said that's bullshit. we choose what we do and you chose this. and around and around and around, everything disintegrating yet again and maybe he's right, maybe this is exactly why we aren't together. i wanted it more than i ever wanted anything but i have to leave some space i suppose for the notion that he might have done the right thing.

and then i made him come over even though he didn't want to because he has a paper due tomorrow for this really tough professor who's supposed to write him a letter of recommendation for grad school. and i got that, of course i did, it matters a lot. but i didn't care. i was alone and in pain and i needed him. so finally he came over and sat with me on my couch and i cried into his chest for awhile, his arm around me squeezing my shoulder a little. after he got here everything changed and he said he should have come sooner, and he's sorry. he kept saying he's sorry over and over. and i just said thank you for coming.

and i felt grief still here, but i said everything i needed to say and i think he did too. i don't know if tonight was good or bad but i needed him and i am grateful that he was here. maybe the thought of him with someone else will sear and cauterize (to resort to sad cliche) this wound that can't fully heal.

one can hope.
one must hope.

anyway i know this is tedious, it's just an exorcism. it's just purging. like i have to finish digging out a piece of me that i don't really want to live without. so it's hard and it takes too long.
but i don't think i really want to talk about him anymore.