the way things go

sometimes when i can't make up my mind about something, i can't figure out how i feel or can't make a decision, i flip a coin. if i'm disappointed, that means i should choose the other outcome.

***

he: i'm flying to portland tonight.
i: oh. to see your friend?
he: yes.
i: is she...a girlfriend?
he: ...i'll tell you when i get back.

flash back to him looking at me so direct and steady that latenight, saying "don't you know? nothing i can say now would be as honest as saying nothing." forward to that same look but sitting outside dwinelle one sunshine morning.

back to him saying "i don't know what to make of this" and me saying "don't make anything of it." and now i want to say wait, that was not what i meant. that was not what i meant at all.

forward to him quoting me t.s. eliot.
back to innumerable coffee mornings.
forward to stories and secrets told.

i wasn't looking for doorways. i said that. a couple of times i think i stumbled across them anyway and i chose not to walk through. do i regret that now? perhaps. does it matter?

flash back to this morning, earlier. me saying "i think you should do ntl. it's a good thing for you." how he then closed his eyes and held them closed for a few beats too long. how i could see something happening in his head or heart. when he was back in the world i said "what was that?" but he didn't answer.

forward to him telling me about portland just before we separated, i on my way to phonology section. he told, i asked, he answered. i looked at him with calm face and retreating heart and i smiled and told him to have a good weekend.

what else could i do?