compass spinning

i was trying to write something about sadness but it all sounded really affected so i erased it.

usually i'm sad a lot and i find profound beauty in the sadness. i don't necessarily like the feeling but there is some weird attraction. it's always been where i get my intensity of emotional experience.

lately though i just seem to want to get out from under all that. like the forced taste of real heartbreak cured me of my childplay melancholy. lately i'm often mad, at david or other things.

but there's no beauty in anger.
and i've never managed to find much intensity in happiness.

something is missing.