resistance / only a crush

i just stayed in my house all day and read some things and tried to stop thinking of him and cleaned some things and tried to stop thinking of him and talked to mom on the phone and very carefully didn't say anything about him. i hate being obsessive. you're thinking 'damn, just chill out' but trust me it's not that easy.

i mean, it's not THAT big of a deal but i just don't like missing him and wondering about this friend he went to visit. and i don't like when i'm trying to read and i can't concentrate 'cause i'm thinking of something he said or even worse, i'm drifting happily through memories of things that never happened.

i don't think everyone thinks so much about people who aren't there.
i wish i could be like that.

people aren't helping. ken said 'he could be the one' and kathy said 'it's nice to be loved' and i was like woah, hold on there people. this is not love, this is not fate. this is only a crush.

i'm not gonna bust a move on this one though. after the last one, i think anyone would understand why. i think i'm hoping a little bit that he will follow form and never say anything either, and then this can just float away like a light little empty thing, like paper, like bubbles.

and i can stop being so crazy.