as if it's real

"the older you get, the lonelier you become, and the deeper the love you need. which means that this hero that you're trying to maintain as the central figure in the drama of your life - this hero is not enjoying the life of a hero. you're exerting a tremendous maintenance to keep this heroic stance available to you, and the hero is suffering defeat after defeat. and they're not heroic defeats, they're ignoble defeats. finally, one day you say, 'let him die - i can't invest anymore in this heroic position.' from there, you just live your life as if it's real - as if you have to make decisions even though you have absolutely no guarantee of any of the consequences of your decisions."

-zen master sasaki, as told by leonard cohen

***

one great thing this week was that i played my guitar again. first time in nearly four months, i sat and played and the fingertips of my left hand are still sore and bruised feeling, they've lost their toughness. i played all the songs and they didn't hurt at all.

he's in portland this weekend and i miss him, a little. the cohen reminds me of him. the blue sky backdrop reminds me of him and his moment of clouds breaking. and how he says things that nobody else would say. and how things are changing.

calling him summercrush doesn't seem quite right anymore, but i don't know what else to call him, here. something about using his name before anything is really real feels wrong. i will just call him 'him' for now and that will be enough.

the good thing about this is that i have learned that no matter what you think a thing is or will be or should be...you never know how it's gonna shake down. everything can turn on a moment and the rug gets pulled and the floor spins, rushes up and smacks you in the head. so you do the best you can to not have expectations. you tell yourself everything is fluid and you know it's true because you remember.

the good thing about this is that i have learned to live my life as if it's real.