something about the fall...

hey, you.

what i don't want to write about tonight is that i wish you were here now.
(i mean a different 'you' than i have meant in forever.)

i don't want to wish that. i don't want to do anything about it either. but still if i am being honest...it is there.

and you know when you're trying not to write about something...nothing much else wants to come out.

i don't know. if i'm just creating this because i need that feeling. or because i want to transfer it from the impossible to the possible. something that seems safe and good, but what do i know really. because i do this thing, i see the best of who someone can be and then i can't seem to see the reality of who they actually are. reality is not my thing. i did that last time, saw the best and it was tragically far from the reality.

and we are so different.
and maybe it's too soon. i mean, isn't it too soon?

and it's digital...i feel things. then i don't. then i do. then i don't.
etc. onoffon.

anyway...yeah this is just what i was thinking of and it was what i didn't want to write. so i'm writing it and pretending i'm writing to you. like riding the bus home alone i pretended you were sitting next to me and i said "can i lean on you?" and you said yeah and i did and then you put your arm around me and i smiled and laughed a little, in my pretend world.

it's just a feeling.
it's the way you look out for me a little.
it's the way you keep coming over to where i am.

want it don't want it want it...
don't want to want it.

oh you have no idea. so many things you don't know.
how would i begin to tell you?

how would i explain that i don't know if i want to let people change me anymore?