on spending time with one who left tracks

this is what i want to say to you and i couldn't say it to you and i can't but at least i can write it here. at least i can say it here to some other people and maybe that will make it a little more real in my head and my heart and then maybe someday soon i can make it real between me&you too.

i want to say...go the FUCK away. just get away from me. do not call me. do not offer me your advice or your smiles. just go away.

and don't go away, i want to be your friend be in your life so badly.
the thought of losing you still terrifies me.
i have no defense against you.

but i sit there across a vegetarian combo platter and i watch the way your skin moves over the beautiful geometries of your face as you talk on and on and on about yourself and what you think about every damn thing. never asking me how i'm doing, never even really listening to what i'm saying. never allowing me to change you or your mind, you are always right you are the rightest person in the world, aren't you?

i hate you.
but i don't.
i don't love you anymore.
i hate not loving you anymore.

i'm angry. you were so bad to me for so long. you were sometimes a good friend but sometimes you weren't. then you were a horrible pseudo amorphous boyfriend type. and now you're just a bad friend. just a selfabsorbed selfish fucking waste of my time and energy and WHY

do i keep saying "sure i will meet you."

why?

because i know it never really makes my day better and often makes it worse. and you know my class schedule and you keep calling me shortly after five on tuesday thursday and i wish i forgot my phone today like i did tuesday, i wish i would have missed your call again.

because today? today was lovely. today a random stranger stopped me on the street and said "you look beautiful." today i had walked smiling away from the other boy only twenty minutes earlier saying "go conquer metaphor now." and he is honest, and he is clear, and he doesn't sneak around and hide things "i have to go meet some people" after YOU were the one who called ME. whatever, you think i don't know? i'm not stupid, i know as much as you hate intimacy with anyone you LOVE attention from girls exponentially more.

feeds the narcissism well, doesn't it?
and the narcissism is always ravenous, right?

you. you are a depressive borderline alcoholic. PLEASE for fuck's sake explain to me why i am the one sitting here dissolving, a mess of hot tears, hands sticking to my keyboard. i am BETTER than you. i am better than this. you never deserved me and you are the one who lost something pure, it wasn't me. so why did i waste those years and why do i keep wasting time, even one more evening, on this?

the one good thing is that when it hurts i just sit there stony. you will NEVER see this again, you will never feel my vulnerability ever ever again.

i want you dead.
i want you living in new york or sailing away on your mythical journey with someone ELSE.
i don't want to go there with you anymore.

go. away.

what i hate most right this minute is that when you said "am i being rude?" i couldn't even bring myself to say yes, intolerably so. but trust me, it's what i was thinking.