spider

a few months ago i met someone to whom i had a very powerful, very negative visceral reaction. k put it well, she said most of the time when you meet someone you like them, at least somewhat. i think that's right; humans are inherently social. she said occasionally when you meet people you are neutral. but every once in a while, you meet someone who just makes. your. skin. crawl.

at the time i had a theory that there is some deep evolutionary wisdom at work in such situations. it feels a little like when you see a spider crawling up the wall near you (i have a spider phobia so for me it is a fear/disgust reaction, substitute your own phobia to produce the analogous response). i wonder if somehow we can sense when someone's chemistry is off in such a way that their combination with our own chemistry could be corrosive. when i was younger i would ignore those reactions but i have since learned, through a series of explosive relationships, to trust them.

i have that same feeling again now, not quite as extreme but it is provoked by one of my housemates, so it is continually there at a low to medium level. this is a person i just do not want to be around, ever.

i don't really know what to do about it, because i can't help my reaction and i seem to have been deprived of a normal level of skill in hiding my thoughts and feelings. or if i'm really totally honest with myself, maybe it is just that i don't want to bother to engage in the posturing.

but the whole thing is a little sad, because he tries to be nice and helpful, and i think he would like for us to be friendly. it's not really that he *did* anything wrong. it's just that he somehow *is* wrong. and that isn't the kind of thing you can tell a person.

ps. i never kill spiders. i just put them outside. or, better yet, make someone else put them outside so that i don't have to get close.