today

k reminded me that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over but expecting a different result. i had a conversation tonight with someone who's living in that zipcode and i said i am not mad but right now i don't know how to not be frustrated with you. i said you have this goal, you have this place you want to be...and you're walking in the opposite direction.

the thing is, i used to live there too and i remember it so clearly, and the best thing anyone ever did for me was to yell at me "this is ridiculous! this has never made you happy!" and so there you are feeling shitty and empty and worthless and this person (who you know loves you) is yelling at you on the phone and you're like god that's so mean. why does everyone hate me. and if you're like certain erstwhile friends of mine you retroactively rewrite the scenario so that your friend never really cared about you but if you are more self-honest than that you're left with a dilemma: this person loves me. this person is saying things that hurt me and that i don't want to hear. maybe they're right and that means that what i'm doing is fucked up.

maybe my friend heard me and maybe not, or maybe it will take awhile, but the line had to be drawn.

earlier in the afternoon i had been surprised by this strange mood, i didn't know what it was at first. it was a little like being sad but i didn't know why i would be sad. then i thought bored or jetlagged, some sort of ennui. then i recognized it like an old friend who's changed a lot, or maybe i've changed enough that things look different to me.

i felt peaceful.