learn to unlearn

it always comes back to the same thing:

why do you have to be perfect? cj asked.
because if i am not then people will be disappointed.
and if they're disappointed?
then they won't love me anymore.
and if they don't love you anymore?
then i'll just...float away.

it's so stupid and infantile but so deeply rooted. it plays itself out over and over again in these stupid circles i turn in. and then this dream last night of failure, of disappointment, of doing everything wrong and unintentionally fucking up the most important thing. and then reaching out for love and help and finding it not there.

some deep part of me is certain that if i'm not better and better and perfect you won't love me anymore. and then i won't exist.

i am trying to learn to unlearn.