caution, meet wind

so i'm sitting here and in another browser window is the online "Graduate Statement of Intent to Register". the web form consists of some personal information at the top, followed by the big question: "Do you intend to register at the University of California, Berkeley?" radio buttons for yes and no (the yes is currently selected) and a submit button which reads "Continue". and i feel a little funny looking at it. a little dizzy like.

click the button

am i ready to continue? into the white, into the unknowable and as hard as it was to get here, as stupidly competitive as it was to get accepted...it's many times harder to actually DO this thing, and finish it. and then even harder to actually get the kind of job i want to ultimately get. i'm not feeling sorry for myself and i'm not second guessing anything...i'm just pausing for a minute to acknowledge that my life really changes when i click the button.

click the button

it's been a hellish couple of months, i have to say. bouncing in and out of depression. yeah i let this become a really big deal but i think it should be a big deal. i didn't want to get to fourth year when it's really goddamn hard and wish i'd thought more about it, or have any reason to suspect that i didn't excavate down to the very depths in considering what i should do. but what i came out of it with was the understanding that no matter HOW much more i think about it, i will NEVER feel totally secure or at peace with it because...well, because it's not my nature. and now i think i know the kind of leap of faith that cohen talked about when he said you have to live your life as if you are real, and make your decisions even though you have no way of knowing what the consequences will be.

it's an investment.
it's a measured risk.
a managed risk.
it's being a grownup.

click the button!


i'm going to berkeley.