it's relationship week at l-in-l

a four-legged spider has taken up residence above my shower. this is one good thing about having a boyfriend or girlfriend. all of mine have more or less cheerfully accepted their spider-removal (no killing, strictly catch&release) responsibility. it's not that it would be a dealbreaker if they happened to be afraid of spiders too, but it would be a minor point deduction.

we need to come up with a scale for potential someones that's like the new scoring system in olympic figure skating. all laid out nice & neat, required elements with base points that vary with difficulty, which can then be bumped up or down a little depending on how well they are performed, and a second score for general artistry.

with each of my serious relationships i've added more required elements; many of them are about what to avoid.

1. dc: no crazy people
2. g: no mean people, no losers with no job or school who literally do nothing but sleep all day and play games all night and live on their parents money
3. m: 7 year rule (he was 11 years older), nobody staid
4. ml: nobody ultra-possessive, nobody without some passion in life (or at least some interest outside of the relationship)
5. j: 5 year rule (she was 7 years younger), nobody on the verge of an identity crisis
6. dk: nobody super intensely damaged and depressed

when i'm feeling less grumpy i can think about the things i actually do want instead of what i don't want.

1. dc: totally creative and unconventional and sweet
2. g: uh. super smart and charismatic, i guess. i don't know, this is the one person i've been seriously involved with that i have absolutely NO interest in ever knowing again.
3. m: steady, grounded, generous, honorable, and absolutely trustworthy
4. ml: fun and attentive and appreciative
5. j: kind and gentle and idealistic and ridiculously hot. okay that's not a requirement but i didn't really mind when all the guys and half the girls everywhere we went just stared...
6. well, see the last post i guess, also super crazy brilliant and musically talented

there, there's my sweepingly reductionist relationship history, in twelve lines. it would maybe be more interesting to revisit short flings and one-night-stands (not that i have had that many) for their takeaway lessons, but that would require more thought than i am willing to invest at the moment.

god i feel like the guy in high fidelity right now.
i should go make a mixtape or something.

what are your must-haves and never-agains?