for a long time the only feelings i could feel were sad ones, hopeless ones. and so i turned down all my feelings and i went on vacation from myself. i told cj that last week, in one of those moments where you realize truth as it's coming out of your mouth. how lately all these feelings are rushing back into me, dialed up to full. and i'm not used to it so the normal highs and lows of a crush feel extreme to me. if you have something pinching you for a long time, it gets numb, it doesn't really hurt at all. it's when it releases and the blood flows back in, that's when it gets painful.

friday i read some things i wrote two years ago when i was falling for j. i was so expressive then, i can't quite remember ever being that expressive.

in the end i am an emotional person (and was in the beginning too), so this really is nothing new. it's more like coming home from a long vacation: so familiar, easy to occupy the space, but some of the corners are surprisingly cobwebby and maybe the furniture isn't quite as comfortable as you remembered it being, when you were out there. it's good to be back, i like it here. but i miss it there, and liked visiting. i am marked by the experience, as one always is by extended travel. i am changed. there's a confidence to be gained from navigating unfamiliar territory, and successfully. it stays with you and it serves you and things that seemed scary before...now you know a hundred ways around them.

it is truth that one never steps into the same river twice.