written over new england

as the plane took off wednesday into this pristinely clear early sf afternoon then looped around offering the left side of the plane a full live action moving panorama of sf-oakland-berkeley i had this feeling like the end credits were rolling. i was looking frantically for the campanile and finally i found it, i couldn't believe how small it seemed. and i felt stabbed in a million places, painfully, by so much love for this city and the structure i've built for myself here. like my life is the product of some monumental creative effort; i love it like a child and i can never take it with me if i go.

but "nothing stays" said heather's chris and maybe he was right. and maybe holding tight is a mistake.

maybe the leaving feeling was the side effect of some deep knowledge that things have taken on a life of their own now & are changing in unknowable ways. and nothing good ever came out of clenching too tightly to keep things the same.

so i am sad.
so the next person to say "but this is a GOOD problem" i might punch 'em with my fist.