october 1

today was spent sitting on a blanket at a festival in golden gate park, where it was gothically misty and it never broke. the best part of the day was the knitters which, if you don't know, is a side project of the band x and they play country songs with names like "poor little critter on the road". brilliant.

***

one year ago today i woke up with david in my bed, for the first time ever.
after having loved him for years.

recently someone said "but you had hesitations about david and you didn't listen to them." and i said no, no i didn't. i didn't have any because at first i just couldn't have him. he had a girlfriend, and so did i for that matter. then later i didn't but he still did and i longed and longed for him so hard for so long that by the time i actually could have him, he wasn't real anymore.

he was a myth. he was an archetype. i couldn't really see him.
i should have had hesitations, certainly i should have. but i didn't.

so one year ago today and i guess i can't even say i woke up with him there because i never really slept that night. i was like some weird conduit for all the energy in the universe, it sizzled through me all night long. it was like magic, like a dream.

on october 1 last year my friend karen said this to me:
"well, dang. life. pain. love. confusion. you're living it."

i guess it's still true, too. i guess it's hard to separate those things from one another.
at least if you're like me.