feet downstream

oh, it's spring, it's spring! strawberries and asparagus at the farmer's market, a walk around the lake with a.s, and at berkeley the pretty girls stroll around bright and open like flowers.

k said the last post sounded manic, but i don't feel manic. (the words were conor oberst's (bright eyes), by the way, not mine.) rather, i feel like i have finally gotten used to the idea that this will be my life from now on. i will work basically every night and both weekend days and there's no point in fighting it or thinking it will be better next semester. ideally i will get to a point where i can take one day per week off, i think that would actually benefit my work quite a lot. i may get there, i may not.

it's like how the rafting guide said if you fall in, you don't try to swim. you just point your feet downstream and keep your arms to your sides and wait for the safety kayaker to pull you in. the water is stronger than you, he said, and he was right.

i have also gotten used to the idea that i will probably always have contempt for my own work. i am impatient with my lack of expertise and yet when i can step back i find it a little funny and ridiculous, too. like a toddler playing dressup, grimly donning dad's old shirt and tie and playing office. why do kids do that, anyway? i used to love to play grocery store, arraying old food boxes and cans around the basement and wheeling my little plastic cart around. we all want to be ahead of where we are...from that side, the responsibility seems grandly alluring.

life is better since i accepted the rhythm. sitting with will (in the bear's lair, haha i am a student) friday afternoon going through all the things on my mind that day he said "you seem relaxed today. usually you seem so busy." which i think was his diplomatic way of saying i've been a frantic mess for most of the year and i thought yeah, my mind can be quiet in this moment, and i don't have to hold on so tightly to everything all the time; nothing is going to fall apart, i think.