all good in the hood

in a nutshell: i came back from anaheim, i watched many episodes of the oc, i was at the epicenter of a bout of rather upsetting drama in my main social group, i went to pt. reyes to see the elephant seals again, i started the semester, i got really sick, and just now my feet touched the ground and i breathed again.

it's nice to breathe.

yesterday i had one of those days i'm coming to think of as my "Incompetent Dumbass" days. like that, with the capital letters that are oh so rarely produced on these august pages. basically ID days are where you walk around doing all your normal stuff but you just can't escape the conviction that deep down you are an Incompetent Dumbass and everyone knows it and they're just humoring you.

(and i know i'm not really so you don't have to say that.)

then i was walking down the hall after a class and i said to a.b 'i feel so incompetent this semester' and he was like 'why?' and then the professor walked up behind us and said 'i'm behind you, just so you know, in case you're talking about me'. and i said 'no, i was just saying i feel incompetent this semester.' and he was like 'why? you're not, your homework was good, etc. etc.' so then not only am i the Incompetent Dumbass but i'm THAT incompetent dumbass, the one who hangs around fishing for people to tell them they really aren't an incompetent dumbass! then i slunk home, covered in shame.

today was fine though. and i did spend some time thinking about that whole phenomenon and i have figured out what i think is the hard part for me about this back-to-school scenario. it's not suddenly having to study every spare waking moment, it's not the weird aches and crackles that come from sitting hunched over my laptop in an incredibly nonergonomic way for 8, 12, 16 hours at a time, and it's not even never having any money and not having any idea how i will pay my rent this summer.

the hard part is the status drop. i had a job, i had a good job, where people liked and respected me and they knew i was good at what i did. people asked me how to do things and they wanted me on their projects. i felt competent. now i have literally started over, i have to prove myself all over again. and i don't feel competent, because...i'm really not. i barely know anything yet, i feel somehow like i know less and less every day. so although i am doing well in the program, i still am unpleasantly surprised at times by how infantilizing it can be.

luckily, all that is counterbalanced by the belief that i am doing exactly what i'm meant to do be doing.


in other news, i just received the following email from my roommate.

"Hey guys. I just got about 2 dozen beagles from the Jewish student organization. They’re fresh!!!! Apparently the Jews love the beagles and like me like to articlize things. I’ll be home with them by 9:30."

who knew the jews love the beagles so much.
and how do you tell which ones are fresh?
and who's gonna clean up all the poop?