School (in)Decision 2006 (tm)

i have been trying to show restraint but...

the weekend is coming fast and i still haven't thought much about my trip to ithaca next week. i was nervous before but now i am thinking of it like fieldwork. i'm going to ask the professors "what are the most important questions in linguistics?" following hamming, of course. i wonder if they'll realize they're my subjects.

it is fun to be courted by the various departments with their offers of dineros but it always makes me sad a little, too. to get a letter or voicemail saying we like you a lot & stuff, come here. we'll pay you to come here. and they say the nicest things, i can't even believe it. it's a situation i didn't anticipate; i will only say yes to one and that means no to four (or perhaps five) others. it feels like when i got the note in sixth grade from this kid saying "will you skate with me at the skateland party on friday?" and i knew my answer would be no so i dealt with it proactively and maturely, by never speaking to him ever again.

***

all day i have had auden in my head:


i cannot grow;
i have no shadow
to run away from,
i only play.

i cannot err;
there is no creature
whom i belong to,
whom i could wrong.

i am defeat
when it knows it
can now do nothing
by suffering.

all you lived through,
dancing because you
no longer need it
for any deed.

i shall never be
different. love me.