makes you wanna blow the stars from the sky

if you're not a girl and you have never had a crazy crush on a bad idea, you would never understand.

but if you are, and you have, you would know how it might feel if he looked and saw an empty space next to you and came over to fill it. now he nudged you with his elbow before doing the lighter-over-alcohol-filled-mouth trick, look at me, look what i can do. because you brought two shots of sambucca but only his was alcohol, yours was water. and you know how it might feel if you're sitting there and he's standing and you're working on your fourth whiskey drink and he holds out his hand, saying let's dance but without the words.

what you do is you put your hand into his and you stand up and follow him. he pulls you in and your arm goes up around his shoulder and you feel his hand on your lower back. you feel his arm is around you and you have watched his arms for months wondering how they feel and now you know.

he realizes you have no idea what you're doing and he leans down and says low in your ear "you see this hand" his left. you say yes and you're grabbing it just to stay upright because for you three whiskey drinks is just about all you can take. you say yes and he says "this hand is your master. you got it?" and you gleam up at him and say yeah i got it. he pulls it away and says ohhhh! puts it back you grab it he pulls it away again ohhh! the third time you just hold on tight and he says good, very good.

and then he's pushing you and pulling you and he spins you under his arm around this way and that way and you're dizzy laughing and you don't care. you vaguely realize for a moment that everyone is watching and these people you work with and you don't care.

spins you out pulls you back in spinning the other way and you collide with him and you feel the way his body feels pressed against you and...


then you're in close to his ear and he's saying you know what this song is? and you say yes it's rapper's delight you emailed it to me...and he says yeah...


finally you stop and he starts you again and then h is saying i'm leaving and peter says i should take you home and she says something else i can't remember but it seems convincing and so you go. because people don't like this, they think you should go and you know they're probably right and nothing really good can come out of you staying there.

maybe i'll never feel him so close again and maybe i'll never know his smell again but i don't even care. for awhile i was twirled around and around and i could lay my head down on his chest. i was laughing and everything was spinning and right. and music and laughing and his hand sliding around my waist and everything was perfect. and the rest of the world didn't exist anymore it was me and him and his hands in charge. and spinning and pressing and what could possibly be more vital, more beautiful. what could possibly be more perfectly what i haven't felt in a long time which was i don't even care if i die right now this is exactly what i want to be doing.

and him saying in my ear "you're going to be great, you're going to go to school and be great" and how that sounds different from him than from everyone.

so you see why it's good that he is going away.
it is good

and i will miss him.