is it every winter?

tonight a.s is getting on a plane to nicaragua and in a few days i have to think about pulling out all my winter clothes to head north. there's a depression trying to work its way into my bones trying to make me do nothing at all but i know how to beat it back by now. finals the next two days and this week my friend said i'm like a warm cushiony place for people who need love, people who need to know that they will have love again. i don't know what it is that i do to have that effect but i wish somebody would tell me because maybe then i could do it to myself too, like i could be someone else for a little while and look at me & talk to me and say hello amy of course everything will be great. yeah i'd like that.

when something really intense ends i always have that phantom limb feeling for awhile. i still feel it about david now and then, and i can feel it coming with the end of the semester as well. it's not that i particularly want to go back and do either of those over again. things are better now and i've learned about staying too long in places that are corrosive.

i guess it's just disconcerting not to know what's next.