dress up day

parties tonight. not really in the mood but when plans have a certain momentum it's easier to just go through with them.

it's just a moment i'll be fine.
it's just that i keep thinking of his hands on somebody else STOP.

just stop.

it's fine and there seems to be sun outside and it's almost time as soon as the phone rings for me to open the door and breathe outside air and let the sun fall on my skin and things will be okay. i know they will, i have always known that but these things are just subrational. they just are there, really in there deep, and no amount of logic can ever hope to counter or remove them.

if he had just done what i wanted and been all in would i have been happy? would i have been certain?

i suspect not.

so this is part of the problem. david's inconsistency and push-pull forced and allowed me to be the committed one, the wholehearted one, to try on the costume without the risk of really having to play the part. probably some part of me knew that our little drama was poorly cast.

how do you stop missing someone who doesn't even exist?