the girl card

summercrush and i walked to the record store after class today.

he said "let me see your hand."
i held my right hand up, palm facing down.

he said "let me see your other hand now."
i held my left hand up, palm facing down.

he said that you can tell how feminine a person is by looking at the length of her ring finger. he said more feminine people have shorter ring fingers...something about testosterone levels. i didn't ask what my fingers said about my femininity. it's not something i think about too much, but i suppose there are parts of me that are feminine and parts that are not. i like to wear makeup. i like skirts too, though i wear jeans a lot more often. i suppose i do feel rather out of place with the super girly asian girl squad at work, on the rare occasions i join them for lunch.

(funny digression: my last girlfriend was a coworker of mine. at the time, nobody knew we were dating. she's since left the company and now EVERYONE knows and not because i told everyone, but whatever. i don't care, i'm an open book remember? but she and i had lunch with the super girly asian girl squad a couple of times and they were all "boys...manicures...clothes...boys!" and meanwhile we were holding hands under the table.)

i will admit with some sheepishness that i have been known to play the girl card when there were toilets to be plunged or heavy things to be carried. but i never expect a guy to pay for me, or hold doors open, or anything like that. it's nice, appreciated, but not necessary. yet there is something really really great about a strongly male presence, it makes one feel so safe.

so yeah...femininity is a complicated concept to me. i always try to think of myself as a person first, rather than as a female. for the same reason, sexuality labels have always been weird for me. when you first meet someone and they're all "i'm a gay man!" it's like..umm..okay. congratulations? what are you supposed to say to that, anyway? and why can't we just be people, and let everything proceed from that?

i know that's a naive sentiment. i'm aware. an ex-friend once told me i should never be involved in politics because i get too angry when truth and beauty don't win. but you know i've seen the other side, dark and bitter and lost, and if it takes a little bit of naivete to stay warm in the light then i personally think it's worth it.