some lives you live and some you leave behind

today i got put on the really cool project i wanted to work on. i'd tell you about it but i think it'd be boring. it's about routers and open source and nerdy things like that.

i can't explain my life lately, i can't explain why any of this stuff keeps happening to me. i'm starting to worry a little that it's going to be too much of a good thing. the cool work project and the cool research gig and the cool classes and having to write a really outstanding app for grad school. i sold myself all around and now it's time to cash all the checks.

it's gonna be hard and i will tell you a secret: i am afraid i can't do it. i haven't really had to work for anything like this in a long time, maybe not ever.

figured out what it was about that serious conversation that was bothering me. wasn't that i said anything that crossed any lines, or that he didn't get as personal or more personal than i did. but it was when he said "you are more serious than i am" is what it was. which...i don't even know if it's true, i mean he's the one talking about the anatomy of regret, and our hearts are only so elastic, that's pretty serious stuff i would say. and he knows hardly anything about me really so it doesn't matter anyway. but it echoed david's "i could do this if it weren't so intense" and this stupid thing i do, holding back pieces of myself to keep someone around.

sometimes naming and realizing a truth is a kind of release in itself. now i think to nobody in particular but rather to all the potential somebodies whose paths might tangle with mine up ahead...if you wanna get personal, let's get personal. if you wanna go deep, let's go deep. i can laugh and play and be stupid too but if intensity is what you're after i will match you step for step, i will ride your ride and i will insist on returning the favor. there isn't enough time for anything else and do you really want to be one of those people who talks about the weather all the time? 'cause if you do then we're not gonna be very good friends anyway. but if you let me, i will change your life.