enter, stage left

drank too much at a holiday party for my old company.
got home safe thx to the h&h collective, got sick, woke up still drunk.
not good.

i didn't really mean to though. i haven't been drinking at all basically, i'm not used to it. i never had much tolerance actually so maybe the not being used to it doesn't matter. also you never really expect to get drunk from wine. like you have some wine with your dinner and you sip it and it's just this nice yummy warm relaxing thing, you don't expect it to fuck you up.

it fucked me up.

there are big parts i don't remember but apparently i was a hit. i felt like bukowski, leering around looking down the pretty girls' dresses and pressing against the pretty boys and making ridiculous jokes but somehow they weren't offended. for some reason people really love me when i have too much to drink, it must be because i laugh a lot and tell everyone they're hot.

so anyway i hardly remember the part at the end when everyone was gone from the back room except me and the guy from last summer (not the one-night-stand guy but the one i actually wanted to date) and we talked and i think he was wanting another chance and i can't remember what i said to him about that but i remember kissing him. or i remember *that* i kissed him, i don't really remember the kiss itself. yeah, i remember the stuff i narrated to self or others but the reality of the situation is a bit lost to me. i remember him&h talking about me and i was right there but feeling far away and thinking it was funny and thinking i don't even care. i mean, i don't even know if i am interested in this person anymore. there is still the crazy attraction though.

the thing is...recently i told someone "everything has its timeline." it was one of those moments where something you say comes from some other place and you recognize it as truth only when it comes out of your mouth. this stuff is all so unknowable and what you think you want more than anything in the world turns out to be really bad for you, so you can't even use that as a guide. if there's anything i've learned in the last few years it's that you can't direct relationships no matter how much you want to or think you can. and i actually don't even want to, anymore.

so i don't know. i'm just open to whatever is going to come next.