amy was here

fell into a hole (or maybe got pushed).
climbed out.


i know that last post was cryptic and this will not be any less so, but my policy is to not do anything on the internet that i wouldn't do on a streetcorner. it's served me well so far. sometimes i write things not so that everyone else understands what i mean, but rather to leave some imprint of my evolution, a little hello to my future self. and i always try to avoid telling other people's secrets.

this week has been surreal and i feel like i've been chasing around, managing one crisis after another. but i think it's done now and after two glasses of wine i am feeling pretty good.

things usually end well when i am able to calmly stand behind what i know to be true and right. i should learn to trust that.

what is most destructive to my own well-being is self-doubt. unfortunately, this is very much fostered by academia. on a daily basis i see some of the best minds in my field wandering around and i think they all wonder if they're good enough. if they deserve to be here. i mean, i know for a fact that it isn't just me.

and sometimes what you feel holds more power than what you know.
and it's so much harder to modulate what you feel.