the fear

walking out today, my school friends and i compared avoidance strategies. i told them about baking a pie last night, and about how i have been obsessively ordering books from amazon (wow i really need that brown&levinson book on politeness, i can't possibly write this paper until i have that, i'll order it now and that's kind of like working on my paper, right?) and we talked about how very clean our rooms are, and how orderly our email inboxes are. it seems i'm not the only one.

but as i stepped outside and cold air hit me i knew that was the moment that everything changed. "this is it, this is my watershed!" i proclaimed. "this is where it gets serious. this is where i stop fucking off every night. because now i have the fear."

it's that feeling i've been waiting for, i have had the stress, but i haven't had the fear. that panicky never-going-to-get-this-done and i-don't-belong-here and i-bet-they-regret-letting-me-in feeling. maybe that doesn't sound good, but you have no idea how motivating it is for someone like me. someone who wants to kick down all the closed doors. i need something to push against, it's why i'm here in the first place. the fear says "you suck you cannot do this you will fail" and i say FUCK YOU FEAR.

you just watch me.