issues

so it turns out that i have issues. "it's possible to work out a lot of stuff for oneself, by oneself...but some things only come up when other people touch them." that's what i wrote to him. but i'll come back to that.

first i want to tell you about today, which was the first day i would otherwise have been at work. but i wasn't at work, mainly because of the whole quitting thing. so i stayed up most of the night grading the most recent assignment and then drove up to campus early to drop the papers off in the instructor's office. then i met with a linguist for coffee and breakfast in my old 'hood. then i went grocery shopping for my house and did some research on bulk buying. then i went to the work study office and found out i'm eligible to get some, and i have "unmet need" so it won't even be all coming out of my loans. then i went to the department and found out what my research job will be, and arranged to slightly extend the scope of it with my work study funds. then visited the research project i volunteered on last year and said hello to everyone. and then i came home, crashed out for a couple hours, and made dinner for my house.

i started off today with a slightly guilty phantom-limb feeling, like i should be at work and someone was going to catch me. sad and missing everyone. and now i feel like...yes. this is everything i worked for the last two years. this is the payoff. (someone remind me of that in about nine months?) running all over campus on a sunny day, talking to smart people about interesting things relating to my new field. rad.

so the issues. what happens is that he says something that i don't know how to take and so i take it in the worst possible way, i overlay it with david's voice and david's tendencies. and i either become upset/angry or shut down. we have had two proto-dates and this has happened twice. at least you can't say i'm inconsistent. and then i tell him that HE is confusing, like it's his fault.

so now there's awkwardness there and i don't know how to dispel it. and i don't know what's going to happen next. i wish i could have a do-over. i wish i could feel things in a vacuum, separate from other times and other people. but it doesn't seem to work that way in this modern world.