you had me at heidegger

h: why?! why are you so dumb?!

because the week was too intense. i got scared.
let me back up.

but where do i start? "i think i like someone" is as good a place as any, but how do you ever really explain these things? he thinks etymology is sexy. i had written him off as uninterested or improbable but suddenly this week it turned and his tentative comment (charmingly hedged with "i don't mean to be bold") built to a flurry of overt flirtation on friday and one of those oblique "what are you doing tonight?" conversations where "i'll go if you go" is unstated but implied.

and i'm realizing now how much of a struggle it will be to stay forward when the other person, whoever it is, comes forward. i don't have trouble as long as they're hanging out somewhere back in the safety zone but all of a sudden there he was and i didn't know what to do with it. i felt preemptively tired and defeated and i wanted to go home. so i said i really would like to go but i have so many papers i need to grade, and i went home.

hence the "why are you so dumb" and trust me i had asked myself the same question about three hundred times by then.

this amorphous, pre-"yes" time is terrifying. i have felt it before, i feel it always, even with david. especially with david. so although i am tempted to blame it on having been really really fucking hurt last time...i know it's more fundamental than that.

and do you know that i have never done the normal meet someone, like them, flirt, go out kind of thing? or if i did then i was in another relationship, or they were, so it was just an exercise in frustration or betrayal. i am the master of these deep intense friendships that one day shift into something more. but this is different.

i don't know him very well, and he doesn't know me very well at all. we've never had the "past relationships" talk. or the "what are you looking for" talk. no blurted confessions of love or deep tortured longing. i haven't tested him musically. and i know this is the most normal thing in the world but to me it feels all out of order.

add to that the fact that i just moved and then my house was broken into and i'm leaving my job in two weeks and then starting school after another couple of weeks. everything is transitioning where for so long i was just waiting. months or even years of waiting for it all. and that was frustrating but it got a little comfortable too. now here comes everything and part of me is like woah wait, and i just want to lie down and put a pillow over my head.

it will pass.
but in the meantime i might be a little bit dumb.