breathe breathe

it's amazing that somehow again on the night when i have so much to get done, really so much, i wrote it down on a list that i showed to people tonight...somehow here i am just getting home so fucked up that there's no hope. i mean really, how do i do this to myself? why do i do this to myself?

let's see. so r's birthday and drinks after work at a place that i love love so yes i'll go for one drink. well, that's all that i actually purchased, one drink, so does that count? i don't know, somehow lately there is no correlation because i only bought one but i drank six or seven because when you're a girl people say 'i'll buy you one' and if you know me you won't be surprised to hear that i was deep breathing and forcing eyes open on bart thinking o god please don't let me be sick before rockridge station please please. these people across the aisle said hey do you have a pen we can borrow and i said here, just keep it i stole it from work anyway and it was my offering to the universe, here, have this pen, just let me make it home without getting sick.

and i did. somehow, some way. i did.

jesus hot coworker is hot and he was explaining to me his avalanche training and showing off a bit and gesturing with his hands and this might sound weird but i have never seen such hot forearms. just these strong big man forearms with soft looking hairs and god i wanted to just touch them and do horrible unprofessional things

horrible unprofessional things sitting by him outside and he goddamn it earlier handed me this little bread with a slice of cheese on it and eyes and eyes and i wasn't even talking to him but he did that and looked and then took a little piece of cheese put it on the end of his tongue just being silly just being stupid arrrrgh so hot

so hot! not fair.

said 'when i tell you to do something you do it' and the daring-alter-me had a million snappy unuttered comebacks.

and i think i might be developing a crush on someone at school also but i'm not sure if he's gay and he ignores me i think that's why i like him that's fucked up huh? and anyway i barely ever want to talk to anyone i just want to sit there and watch people and be a hermit and but oh hot coworker..

he's quite hot you know.
damn.

someone else told me 'i have to admit i have jacked off a few times thinking about you' oh, the words every girl wants to hear. and 'i'll buy you a drink if i can feel your boobs' and i was like okay because i was pretty sure he wouldn't demand followthrough anyway.

i never did end up getting sick by some miracle but i think i'm still way too drunk to work or pack and i'm leaving town tomorrow and oh god why do i do this.

can we bame it on hot coworker?
can we blame it on no dinner?
can we call it early new year's and get away with that?