sick. he was there

he was there tonight. he was there he was there

and you go out iwth your coworkers after work and you go out with the beautiful people they are the beautiful people and at first yhou think oh they are the beatufiul people.

you go out and you get a maker's mark manhattan it was his drink it was his his his and now it's yours. because whiskey is brown bitter cold old in a glass with ice whiskey is hard whiskey is alone and whiskey is bitter.

and a chimay because you love it.

you end up at cancun eating a burrito that rachel bought because you didn't like staniding in line anymore and you sat down she bought you a burrito saying you buy me a drink later you say okay, you say okay. she buys you one and you sit there with all the beautiful people you're smiling and laughing and you really eman it too you know? you mean it. cancun has the best burritos in the uinverse i don't care what anyone else says

and henry calls you drunk girl
and you say fuck you
fuck you
fuck you

the beauty bar more drinks you can't remember what

and then later you go across the street you go to teh dark room and you see dave's show and it's good it's brilliant and everyone is there everyone beautiful and sparkling and robert rings you a huge sierra one of those really big ones and you keep drinking and drinking and drinking more, poor liver. ppoor poor liver.

then it's over and you have to to go home you're walking to bart you get a text 'hi are you still in the city do you want a roide home' yes yes yesy yesyesyesyeyesy amy is there your savior shining there with car to give you a ride home home home tiome to go home and you say do you want to go to doc's clock?

so they go with you there, they go with you there.
you go there and someone nelse buys you drinks and someone else too and then somehow you thyink you see david thgrough some haze, through some foggy haze you tink you see david and he maybe puts his hand on your shoulder or something., he's going to the back where the bathrooms are, he says i'll be right back

you look around wild you look around drunk you see bob and carsten you think i want to be talking to hot boys when he comes bvack here

you go talk to them you say david is here. you're not sure anymore, you say i'm not sure but i think david is here, i think i saw him. i think he said something to me so stay here with me okay? stay by me okay? he broke my heart, just stay by me. and they say okay

so then he comes back and you make introductions, this is david carsten bob this is them hi hihi everyone says hello and he says he's seeing a show next door. parchment solmething i can't even remember he's next door.

probably with that fucking girl.
probably with her and you don't even care, you coulod be that girl.
you still could be that girl

he talks for awhile to carsten and bob you ignore him mostly ignore him rachel is behind him fanning her face exaggerated 'oh he's hot, he's hot' yes he's hot he's so fucking hot the hottest i've fucked and i've fucked the hot ones, lately i've only fucked the hot ones

and you ignore him finally he says 'well i'm gonna go' you don't look at him he just goes.
that's fine.
it's fine.
he always goes, you're used to it, he always leaves and


then eve3ryone comes around you amy amy amy amy s she came over, she pulls you off for awhile perfect perfect she pulls you away she pu8ts arms around you says it's okay it's okay how are you? you're not sure too much whiskey in you too much beer in you what do you feel anyway? how do you even feel?

you cry a little, it's to be expected that you cry a bit but then you say i'm okay i'm okay. you go to mike mike buys you another drinkn poeople keep buying you more and more and more drinks that's why you're even here that's why you can't even feel a thing

at home
solmehow you got home
he left and everythign kept being okay bob put his arms around you hand on back of your head petting your hair saying i love you i love you i love you you are beautiful and it's okay. amy says isn't she beautiful? isn't she just beautiful? mike says yes i think i said that earlier today and he did and he was joking but he did and suddenly he is there buying you a drink saying what are you drinking? he gets you one of whatever you say and rachel and bob and carsten and amy and everyone and robert everyone is there so many arms and hand
so many arms and hands and drinks

all there holding you warming you soothing

you get through it.
he's gone and you get through it and you don't even care.
rachel says yeah he's really fucking hot but whatever

you say mike. you say hey you know...he never made me come
you tell mike this secret
you say he never made me come and that is NOT generally a probelm for me you know?
mike says woah well i don't mean to brag but i have never NOT made a woman come

you almost ask him to prove it

you're tired of secrets.
he didn't. probably not even his fault he tried a good try and you faked it with him, you faked it because...why? because you couldn't stand him trying to make you feel good? because you were trying to make him feel good. i don't know it's fucked up, don't expecet me to be able to explain why you could never just let him
just let him

he's gone and everyone around you says you are beautiful and they put arms around you and you let yoruself be held
you let yoruself drink and drink and rink
until it's time to go
and amy drives you
and everything is blurry

you're breathing heavy and she says are you asleep but the secret now is that you're not, you're trying not to be sick because this is the most fucked up you've been since high school

you just wanted to go out with the beautiful people
you just wanted to have fun
someone promised you you would laugh
and you did
oh god you did you did you did
laughed until

you're home and amy took you inside which is good because keys are difficult and maybe you would still be on the step but now you're heer you should have water but you can't because you'll get sick you'll get sick just don't get sick because he is not worth getting sick over anymore
nobody is worth getting sick over
he never was
he never will be
and if he was with some other girl next door watching some show, parchment something, carsten knows but you don't whatever whatever...if some girl was there then you could have still been that girl

and you don't want to be that girl.
you are not that girl.
you are a thousand millionj times more than that girl.
and that's why you said no

and everyone knows it

and you;re still drunk and cold and by yourself but you know, by yoruselve has started to feel bgood

you will regret this tomorrow
you don't care
your'e goinhg to bed now.

you said thank you to everyone for loving you because they did love you and help you and amy says you can never go to this block again
that block of mission between 21st and 22nd and she's right
she's right
you're never going there again

fuck him.