the looming ever

i get it now, things paralyze you when you care too much. it's just so goddamn big. you want to be perfect, you want to apply to all the right schools and you want to write the most goddamn perfect statement they've ever seen. you wish you could take a huge eraser to your undergrad transcript and you wish you would have gotten just one more question right on your gre. you wish everything were in order but it is not even close.

it's six years. it's the rest of my life. it's huge, it could mean i never fall in love again. it could mean i never have kids..i'm not even sure that i want them, but it's nice to think i'll at least have the option to have them. did you know that of people who don't already have children entering a ph.d program, only about 33% of the women will ever have them? versus around 66% of the men.

this is a huge huge thing and i'm starting to freak out a bit.
it all feels more real, this time around.
there's no boyfriend pushing me on this time around.
it's just me.

every day i tell myself 'you have to work on grad school today' and every day i just...don't. ucsd is due on december 15 and i haven't started.

i swear, i swear i will finalize my list of schools before i go to sleep tomorrow. even if i'm sick even if i just want to sleep, i will do it. someone kick my ass if i flail on this, okay?

also, i forgot how much the ants like my house when it starts to rain.