unsent

dear you,

i am having a moment. i'm fine. but right now i'm just gonna do this, okay?

i am letting you go now. and i fought that for so long because i know a part of you feels it as just one more abandonment. and i want to tell that part i am sorry, i'm sorry i'm not stronger or more malleable but after where we've been i can't go back. you want what you want and attachments terrify you. but you don't get to hold me there anymore, i won't do it anymore.

after the end, i stopped looking when i crossed the street because i hoped there would be a bus there moving too fast to stop. there never was. for a month and a half i didn't listen to any music, not one show one record nothing. you said "that's crazy, music is in your soul" and it's true and later i figured out that i wasn't listening because it was your songs that were stuck in my head. i kept hearing your songs and i didn't want to replace them, i just held onto every trace of you. weirdly masochistic thing to do, even as i was with so much pride refusing to take up your offer of "call anytime you want to see me."

after the end i felt raw, i was an open wound and i didn't want anyone near me. i couldn't stand to be with my close friends because their softest touch, arm around shoulders, the tiniest compassion opened everything up and so i slapped their hands away. i just talked to people who don't know me that well, then i could laugh with all the false bravado i could muster.

and are you so selfish that you would want me to go back to that? we are only human and you want what you want, but what about me in that equation? the force of what i felt...like i invented love. like all the other times i said it, all the other people, as amazing and beautiful as they were in their own way...like i didn't even know what it meant. j said "who wouldn't want to be loved like that?"

the answer: you wouldn't.

but i could never get angry with you because i understood you too well, i knew all your sad broken littleboy stories. my understanding, it doesn't make things okay. if i could feel anger, this is what it would be about: the time not long ago you said "i think i could do this if it weren't so intense."

stupid. that's why you loved me, you know. because of intense. you were scared because you are broken. i wasn't the fucked up one, i was strong, i knew what i wanted and i was never afraid of it. you wouldn't do it but also you wouldn't let go because another part of you wanted it desperately. so you left these threads, you thought you could do it if it weren't so intense. yeah, i tried that, i tried forced casual. i gave you your space and i waited for you and every time you thought i was angry i smiled at you and i said it's okay baby, it's okay. and it was okay because it was me&you and i was trying everything.

and all of this, my little words, writing it here...is stupid and childish and just complete bullshit but i don't care. i am so close to free now i can feel its breath on my forehead, no more thinking of you until my lips form your name silently like prayer. the emotional force of you is receding and i am covered with new perfect pink delicate skin. i am at last not in the shape of you, i take my own form. nobody can stop that, not me not you and i am starting to love time now.

i still remember your songs, the ones about me.
but i don't hear them in my head anymore.
and i don't miss them.

love (but different now),
me