praying for blood

my ex and i broke up over the course of many months, starting in late january, ending for real after a lot of off-on-off in early june. it fucked me up pretty bad. he called once in late june, we got dinner then he wanted to come inside, i said no. i saw him again in late july, i'd stayed out too late in the city and missed the last bart train back to oaktown and in a semidrunken haze i called him. he came to pick me up and we talked for so long in his car and then i found out he'd dislocated his elbow falling off his skateboard and he had a cast under his jacket and then i was like awwwwww you poor wounded bird, come inside i will take care of you.

he came inside and at 5a when he got up to leave, instead of putting his shoes on he came over to where i was sitting on my red couch and he lay down stretchedout put his head in my lap and then...well, you know what then. after we woke up it was just like before, so comfortable in my space he just sat there reading my books, checking his email but for me it was so weird that he was there and i told him that. so we talked and nothing had changed but he wanted us to just "be normal" meaning just start the same old cycle all over again and i said no, i said we aren't normal and that was what i always loved about us. and well it was longer and sadder than that but i said i can't do this anymore.

the point of all this is:
i stopped taking birth control in june after we broke up for real.
and we didn't use anything.
and i can't remember when my period is supposed to start.
but i know it was in early july, done before the tenth or so.
and i don't feel that about-to-bleed feeling yet.

and i'm scared and i don't want to tell my friends.
so i'm telling you.