something like forgiveness

i said maybe i'll call you when i get back from italy and that was a month and a half ago and i haven't called. and i haven't wanted to call. but i am starting to some days, and some days i still want to say i hate you. i want to say you should have been careful damnit. you, of all people, should have been careful with me, of all people. you knew what would happen and you told me but sometimes telling isn't enough. sometimes you have to back your words up with something more, something with weight and force.

then sometimes, more often lately, i want to call and say...thank you. and the feeling would drip across the wires and taste like truth. thank you for showing me things. simple things i should have known. how to create. how to entertain, tell a story. show myself to people. thank you because until i saw how i lit you up i wasn't aware of what i now know is mine, all the time mine, sometimes even in bed with eyes closed it's there and i'm never alone because you're still with me in some way. the "you" that was you, all lit up there inside the "me" that was me. whether it's really you or not doesn't even matter, not anymore. what we gave each other connects us in ways even we probably don't understand yet.

for all the silly tender angry longing hopeful tragic days.
for catalyzing my discovery of love, of life, of self.
even for making me go. because now the road in front of me is clear.

thank you.